When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
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No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.