So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
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Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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