She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
