Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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