Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
