you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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