you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?