My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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