just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
