My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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