there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
