bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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