I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
