hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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