connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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