If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
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The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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