she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
