Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
