I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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