I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
