pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I met the friendliest cop last night
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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