i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
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On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
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I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.