I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dating After Heartbreak
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.