i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
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Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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