Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?