just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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