Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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