When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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