I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
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You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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