I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize