I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You took a bar mat shot.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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