I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You have to summon your inner elephant
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
