i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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