he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
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I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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