im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
