I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
