I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002