First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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