there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
