We won't sleep together?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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