It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
