I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
