I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
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We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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