Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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