One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
