thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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