I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize