I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
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He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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