I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
