fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
