dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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